Conversations: Real or made up?

The title of this post pretty much sums it up. So, which one is real, and which one is fake?

CONVERSATION 1:

Guy 1: So last night I woke up, at like 3 in the morning, turned on MSNBC and they were talking about Wall Street and the market is SO far down. Like way down. I mean, if things weren't going to go back up soon it was going to DEBACLE. You know, it was going to be DEBACLED.

Guy 2: Yeah, I know what you mean.

Guy 1: So then I go back to sleep, about 4 o'clock, and from 4 until 7 I'm like really REM'ing. Like more than I've REM'd before. So, I'm dreaming you know, and it was like for the first time in my life I knew I was dreaming. This has never happened to me before.

Guy 2: That's big time.

Guy 1: So, I'm like dreaming, but I'm not controlling my body; I'm just watching myself in my dream.

Guy 2: Yeah, I know what you mean. I do that all the time, except I'm there and I'm deciding everything. If I wanna do something, I do it.

Guy 1: Yeah, I can't do that yet.

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CONVERSATION 2:

(Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" plays over the speakers in a bar)

Guy 1: Dude, did you know this song is about how Clapton had this son, like a 1-year old son, and he fell out a window?

Guy 2 (nonchalant): Yeah.

Guy 1 : ...and died.

Guy 2: Yeah.

Guy 1: God, isn't that sad?

Guy 2: I heard the window was only 1-story up.

(Pause)

Guy 1: And?

Guy 2: And it was only 1-story up.

Guy 1: So that doesn't make it sad?

Guy 2: My sister's baby fell out the thirteenth story window. I think that's more sad.

Guy 1: But they're both sad.

Guy 2: Maybe, but I think Clapton should put that in his song.

Guy 1: Put what in his song?

Guy 2: That maybe there are situations, like a baby falling from higher up, that are probably more sad. I think he should say that.

Guy 1: What?! What are you talking about? He's not required to do that.

Guy 2: I'm just sayin'. I don't know why people think it's that big of a deal, I mean, other kids have fallen out windows.

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Reason Number 74 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I only made up half of this post.

Like a lion, I will roar.

Last night I was at a play and I kept getting these animalistic urges to yell. It was really quite unnerving. I might be a ham, an attention whore, and just loud in general, but I'm not crazy. Half the time I didn't even know the things that I was thinking when I caught myself in the conscious act of not yelling them. It felt like I was in a state of semi-control, and those parts of your brain where instinct hides were messing with me.

Today I was walking behind an old lady, and the same thing happened again. This time I caught myself wanting to yell "Hey, OLD LADY!" and just scare the shit out of her (probably literally). Again, I was surprised with myself. I've never had these urges before, and its actually quite scary. I'm afraid that one time I won't catch myself, and some innocent old lady will ruin her underwear.

If I was literally going to scare the shit out of someone, I would pick a baby or an old person, because they might be wearing a diaper anyway.

Reason Number 1,023 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I can only articulate my thoughts in short guttural bursts of unintelligible shouting.

Podcast! Say What?

Here's a little diddy, 'bout three dudes talkin' in a room and then posting it on the internet.

I just did a podcast with my roommates Mikey Filmmaker and Julian (Incrediblack) for Mike's post-O.S.C.A.R. showcase. It was fun, and ultimately long-winded, but check it out if you have a free minute.

Reason Number 53 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My middle name is not "Cougar" or anything vaguely awesome.

You Down With OPB?

Okay, so with my best pretentious face, and in my most condescending, self-important tone, the following are my Holy O.S.C.A.R. Predictions. Marvel at them.

Best Picture: No Country for Old Men – All-around, the best film of the year. The whole movie is a metaphor for the symbiotic relationship between the organized laws we give to nature, and chaos which ultimately runs the universe. DUH! They basically hammered that into your skull. If you didn’t get that, you’re really stupid. Possibly retarded.

Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men – I hate siblings that are really good at things. I mean, it’s always annoying when people are twins AND good at basketball or something. However, I know regular people eat that shit up, so the Coen “Brohyms” (despite not being twins) will win.

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood – He drinks everyone’s mil…aww, fuck it. That is just annoying now. Dude’s a monster.

Best Actress: Julie Christie in Away from Her – Because the best performance is actually in French (or so I’ve heard), and any respectable person doesn’t lower themselves to reading subtitles.

Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men – People say this is already decided, so I’m gonna go with that. But did you see Casey Affleck in Jesse James? He was a monster inside a creepy stuffed animal with a semi-retarded grin. Brilliant work.

Best Supporting Actress: Ruby Dee in American Gangster – I’m not a huge fan of old people, but this award (apparently) tends to be a Lifetime Achievement award.

Best Original Screenplay: Michael Clayton – Look at it this way: It’s down to Juno or Michael Clayton in this category. Without a win here, one of these will go home empty handed – it’s going to be Juno. I hate Diablo Cody.

Best Adapted Screenplay: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly – I will probably end up kicking myself over this. However, I’m gonna say that the Academy recognizes Diving Bell here, since it won’t win Director.

Best Animated Feature: Ratatouille – If birds don’t evolutionize and take over the world, Rats will. Mark my words.

Best Cinematography: There Will Be Blood

Best Art Direction: There Will Be Blood

Best Costume Design: Atonement

Best Documentary – Feature: No End In Sight

Best Documentary - Short Subject: Sari’s Mother

Best Film Editing: No Country for Old Men

Best Foreign Language Film: The Counterfeiters

Best Makeup: Pirates of the Caribbean

Best Original Song: "Falling Slowly" in Once

Best Original Score: Atonement

Best Short – Animated: Peter and the Wolf

Best Short - Live Action: Le Mozart Des Pickpockets

Best Sound Mixing: No Country for Old Men

Best Sound Editing: There Will Be Blood

Best Visual Effects: Transformers

Reason Number 200 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
Because I am predicting it, and my predictions are always right.

The O.S.C.A.R.'s

If you read this blog, you'll know that very recently I discovered that Film is probably the most important thing ever created, the embodiment of the Meaning of Life, and most likely the manifestation of God him/her-self. I had an inkling of it, but it wasn't until I got swept up in the annual "Day of Days" hoopla, that i finally realized it.

This weekend at the holiest of holy places, The Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles, God will firmly place a finger on the head of 24 "winners" and deem them worthy of entering paradise. It's the O.S.C.A.R.'s, ladies and gentlemen! Or as I like to call them: The Ongoing Search for Christ's Ancestral Relatives. I don't want to go to into it, but in a rush to meet his deadline for revealing himself (without actually revealing himself) God botched the creation of the film projector and had to go with something else entirely - you know him as Jesus. Blah blah blah, we all know the rest.

ANYWAY, much like the traditions of Christmas and Easter, the O.S.C.A.R.'s has its own tradition that everyone can take part in. It's THE OSCAR PREDICTION BLOG! Perhaps the most hallowed of all religious practices, the O.S.C.A.R. Prediction Blog (OPB) allows the average joe to be Condescending, Self-Important AND Humble all at once! You didn't think it was possible, did you? Well, that's the power of Film.

And because I'm an average joe who LOVES being condescending and self-important, I'm going to be posting my own OPB later on today. You'll want to scrap any plans you have to read ANY other OPB's, because this one is going to the best. It's going to be Gospel.

Reason Number 76 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I preach the truth, and the truth never gets recognized...until it's too late.

P.S. If you reeeeaaally want to read another OPB, you should check out Mikey Filmmaker's. He's supposedly been touched by God.

The Birds

So, I'm reading this book called "The World Without Us" by a dude named Alan Weisman. The premise of the book is "what if human beings completely and instantly vanished from the Earth". It's a ton of research into what we have done to our planet, and what will continue to happen without our presence. A lot of the stuff is way over my head, but it makes me feel smart to read it, and I feel really good when I write about it in my blog.

Anyway, I just finished this part about birds - in particular, how many birds die every year from man-made problems. Read 'em and weep (if you like birds): 1 billion (yeah, a billion) break their necks when they fly into windows; 60-80 million wind up in the grill of your SUV; 500 million see the blinking red lights of a radio tower before they hit the actual tower; and 210 million are killed by domesticated cats in rural WISCONSIN alone. Add that up and it's a gigantic pile of dead birds. In fact, you could probably fill up the entire shit-state of Wisconsin with all of them - and when I'm emperor that's what I'll do. It will be a monument to our success.

It's our manifest destiny. The birds outnumber us, and we need to dwindle their numbers. We cannot risk the bird population banding together to destroy us. I mean, you don't think that if the birds are the closest relative to DINOSAURS that they can't evolutionize again and become the masterminds of the downfall of humanity? Think about it: birds can FLY. Humans had to build planes before they could fly, and that took FOREVER. If birds can figure out how to combine their ability to fly with mutant talons strong enough to hold nuclear warheads we are FUCKED. Trust me. Hitchcock knew something.

If you are ever in the position to vote for more windows, cats, radio towers or cars, I say "DO IT". Instead of killing two birds with one stone, we'll be killing about a billion with one gigantic boulder.

Reason Number 476 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
Birds will strategically mutate their talons to hold nuclear bombs; the world will subsequently end before I can finish my magnum opus.

Making your life easier...

Since I am a super, extremely nice person, I am going to make it SUPER convenient for you wonderful people (all 4 of you) to read my blog. Now, I'm not talking about having it downloaded into your brain, or me printing it out and reading to you - NO, I'm talking about an RSS Reader. (If you are already viewing this blog through an RSS feed, then I apologize: this post is old news to you)

An RSS (Really Simple Syndication) Reader is basically a tool that can compile blogs, news headlines, or any internet page that gets updated (and chooses to have an RSS Feed). Instead of going to the actual page of the blog, the entry is simply fed into your own little RSS "homepage" so you can read all your favorite (ie ME) blogs in one place.

The first step in doing this is to get a Google Account. There are others, but this is the one I use and personally endorse. If Google was a person you would hate him/her because it is everything you want to be, but have no chance in hell of ever being. I would say sign up for G-Mail, if you haven't already. I know you have an e-mail address already, but G-Mail is the future so get with the cool kids.

Okay, so now that you've signed up for a G-Mail account, you have the option of using Google's other wonderful features. I can go more into those later, but all we care about right now is the RSS Reader.

Now, since you're reading this at my site (and using Firefox)(which is WAY better than Internet Explorer) you should see a little picture of an orange square on the RIGHT side of the address bar. This is a button that signifies the page has an RSS feed. Simply CLICK that Orange RSS Button, and you are brought to a page which allows you to choose between "Add to Google Homepage" or "Add to Google Reader". Add it to Google Reader (which is my preferred usage) and BAM you are SET.

It's THAT simple. So when you decide to check your G-Mail, use the link at the top of the page that says "More" and then click "Reader" which takes you to your RSS page, and find out if I posted a new blog (I probably didn't, but hey, you never know!). You can also just as easily go to www.google.com/reader if you don't feel like checking your G-Mail.

The Google RSS Reader is my gift to you (I'm re-gifting it from Google) on this day, February 20, 2008. You are welcome.

Reason Number 9 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
Google will probably take over the world and banish me to Antarctica. I will end up writing for Penguin Monthly, but the salary will be too low, and I won't be able to afford the proper warm clothing. I will freeze to death.