You Down With OPB?

Okay, so with my best pretentious face, and in my most condescending, self-important tone, the following are my Holy O.S.C.A.R. Predictions. Marvel at them.

Best Picture: No Country for Old Men – All-around, the best film of the year. The whole movie is a metaphor for the symbiotic relationship between the organized laws we give to nature, and chaos which ultimately runs the universe. DUH! They basically hammered that into your skull. If you didn’t get that, you’re really stupid. Possibly retarded.

Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men – I hate siblings that are really good at things. I mean, it’s always annoying when people are twins AND good at basketball or something. However, I know regular people eat that shit up, so the Coen “Brohyms” (despite not being twins) will win.

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood – He drinks everyone’s mil…aww, fuck it. That is just annoying now. Dude’s a monster.

Best Actress: Julie Christie in Away from Her – Because the best performance is actually in French (or so I’ve heard), and any respectable person doesn’t lower themselves to reading subtitles.

Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men – People say this is already decided, so I’m gonna go with that. But did you see Casey Affleck in Jesse James? He was a monster inside a creepy stuffed animal with a semi-retarded grin. Brilliant work.

Best Supporting Actress: Ruby Dee in American Gangster – I’m not a huge fan of old people, but this award (apparently) tends to be a Lifetime Achievement award.

Best Original Screenplay: Michael Clayton – Look at it this way: It’s down to Juno or Michael Clayton in this category. Without a win here, one of these will go home empty handed – it’s going to be Juno. I hate Diablo Cody.

Best Adapted Screenplay: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly – I will probably end up kicking myself over this. However, I’m gonna say that the Academy recognizes Diving Bell here, since it won’t win Director.

Best Animated Feature: Ratatouille – If birds don’t evolutionize and take over the world, Rats will. Mark my words.

Best Cinematography: There Will Be Blood

Best Art Direction: There Will Be Blood

Best Costume Design: Atonement

Best Documentary – Feature: No End In Sight

Best Documentary - Short Subject: Sari’s Mother

Best Film Editing: No Country for Old Men

Best Foreign Language Film: The Counterfeiters

Best Makeup: Pirates of the Caribbean

Best Original Song: "Falling Slowly" in Once

Best Original Score: Atonement

Best Short – Animated: Peter and the Wolf

Best Short - Live Action: Le Mozart Des Pickpockets

Best Sound Mixing: No Country for Old Men

Best Sound Editing: There Will Be Blood

Best Visual Effects: Transformers

Reason Number 200 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
Because I am predicting it, and my predictions are always right.