The title of this post pretty much sums it up. So, which one is real, and which one is fake?
CONVERSATION 1:
Guy 1: So last night I woke up, at like 3 in the morning, turned on MSNBC and they were talking about Wall Street and the market is SO far down. Like way down. I mean, if things weren't going to go back up soon it was going to DEBACLE. You know, it was going to be DEBACLED.
Guy 2: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Guy 1: So then I go back to sleep, about 4 o'clock, and from 4 until 7 I'm like really REM'ing. Like more than I've REM'd before. So, I'm dreaming you know, and it was like for the first time in my life I knew I was dreaming. This has never happened to me before.
Guy 2: That's big time.
Guy 1: So, I'm like dreaming, but I'm not controlling my body; I'm just watching myself in my dream.
Guy 2: Yeah, I know what you mean. I do that all the time, except I'm there and I'm deciding everything. If I wanna do something, I do it.
Guy 1: Yeah, I can't do that yet.
----
CONVERSATION 2:
(Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" plays over the speakers in a bar)
Guy 1: Dude, did you know this song is about how Clapton had this son, like a 1-year old son, and he fell out a window?
Guy 2 (nonchalant): Yeah.
Guy 1 : ...and died.
Guy 2: Yeah.
Guy 1: God, isn't that sad?
Guy 2: I heard the window was only 1-story up.
(Pause)
Guy 1: And?
Guy 2: And it was only 1-story up.
Guy 1: So that doesn't make it sad?
Guy 2: My sister's baby fell out the thirteenth story window. I think that's more sad.
Guy 1: But they're both sad.
Guy 2: Maybe, but I think Clapton should put that in his song.
Guy 1: Put what in his song?
Guy 2: That maybe there are situations, like a baby falling from higher up, that are probably more sad. I think he should say that.
Guy 1: What?! What are you talking about? He's not required to do that.
Guy 2: I'm just sayin'. I don't know why people think it's that big of a deal, I mean, other kids have fallen out windows.
----------
Reason Number 74 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I only made up half of this post.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Like a lion, I will roar.
Last night I was at a play and I kept getting these animalistic urges to yell. It was really quite unnerving. I might be a ham, an attention whore, and just loud in general, but I'm not crazy. Half the time I didn't even know the things that I was thinking when I caught myself in the conscious act of not yelling them. It felt like I was in a state of semi-control, and those parts of your brain where instinct hides were messing with me.
Today I was walking behind an old lady, and the same thing happened again. This time I caught myself wanting to yell "Hey, OLD LADY!" and just scare the shit out of her (probably literally). Again, I was surprised with myself. I've never had these urges before, and its actually quite scary. I'm afraid that one time I won't catch myself, and some innocent old lady will ruin her underwear.
If I was literally going to scare the shit out of someone, I would pick a baby or an old person, because they might be wearing a diaper anyway.
Reason Number 1,023 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I can only articulate my thoughts in short guttural bursts of unintelligible shouting.
Today I was walking behind an old lady, and the same thing happened again. This time I caught myself wanting to yell "Hey, OLD LADY!" and just scare the shit out of her (probably literally). Again, I was surprised with myself. I've never had these urges before, and its actually quite scary. I'm afraid that one time I won't catch myself, and some innocent old lady will ruin her underwear.
If I was literally going to scare the shit out of someone, I would pick a baby or an old person, because they might be wearing a diaper anyway.
Reason Number 1,023 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I can only articulate my thoughts in short guttural bursts of unintelligible shouting.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Podcast! Say What?
Here's a little diddy, 'bout three dudes talkin' in a room and then posting it on the internet.
I just did a podcast with my roommates Mikey Filmmaker and Julian (Incrediblack) for Mike's post-O.S.C.A.R. showcase. It was fun, and ultimately long-winded, but check it out if you have a free minute.
Reason Number 53 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My middle name is not "Cougar" or anything vaguely awesome.
I just did a podcast with my roommates Mikey Filmmaker and Julian (Incrediblack) for Mike's post-O.S.C.A.R. showcase. It was fun, and ultimately long-winded, but check it out if you have a free minute.
Reason Number 53 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My middle name is not "Cougar" or anything vaguely awesome.
Friday, February 22, 2008
You Down With OPB?
Okay, so with my best pretentious face, and in my most condescending, self-important tone, the following are my Holy O.S.C.A.R. Predictions. Marvel at them.
Look at it this way: It’s down to Juno or Michael Clayton in this category. Without a win here, one of these will go home empty handed – it’s going to be Juno. I hate Diablo Cody.
Best Documentary – Feature: No End In Sight
Best Documentary - Short Subject: Sari’s Mother
Best Film Editing: No Country for Old Men
Best Foreign Language Film: The Counterfeiters
Best Makeup: Pirates of the
Best Original Song: "Falling Slowly" in Once
Best Original Score: Atonement
Best Short – Animated: Peter and the Wolf
Best Short - Live Action: Le Mozart Des Pickpockets
Best Sound Mixing: No Country for Old Men
Best Sound Editing: There Will Be Blood
Best Visual Effects: Transformers
Reason Number 200 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
Because I am predicting it, and my predictions are always right.
The O.S.C.A.R.'s
If you read this blog, you'll know that very recently I discovered that Film is probably the most important thing ever created, the embodiment of the Meaning of Life, and most likely the manifestation of God him/her-self. I had an inkling of it, but it wasn't until I got swept up in the annual "Day of Days" hoopla, that i finally realized it.
This weekend at the holiest of holy places, The Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles, God will firmly place a finger on the head of 24 "winners" and deem them worthy of entering paradise. It's the O.S.C.A.R.'s, ladies and gentlemen! Or as I like to call them: The Ongoing Search for Christ's Ancestral Relatives. I don't want to go to into it, but in a rush to meet his deadline for revealing himself (without actually revealing himself) God botched the creation of the film projector and had to go with something else entirely - you know him as Jesus. Blah blah blah, we all know the rest.
ANYWAY, much like the traditions of Christmas and Easter, the O.S.C.A.R.'s has its own tradition that everyone can take part in. It's THE OSCAR PREDICTION BLOG! Perhaps the most hallowed of all religious practices, the O.S.C.A.R. Prediction Blog (OPB) allows the average joe to be Condescending, Self-Important AND Humble all at once! You didn't think it was possible, did you? Well, that's the power of Film.
And because I'm an average joe who LOVES being condescending and self-important, I'm going to be posting my own OPB later on today. You'll want to scrap any plans you have to read ANY other OPB's, because this one is going to the best. It's going to be Gospel.
Reason Number 76 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I preach the truth, and the truth never gets recognized...until it's too late.
P.S. If you reeeeaaally want to read another OPB, you should check out Mikey Filmmaker's. He's supposedly been touched by God.
This weekend at the holiest of holy places, The Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles, God will firmly place a finger on the head of 24 "winners" and deem them worthy of entering paradise. It's the O.S.C.A.R.'s, ladies and gentlemen! Or as I like to call them: The Ongoing Search for Christ's Ancestral Relatives. I don't want to go to into it, but in a rush to meet his deadline for revealing himself (without actually revealing himself) God botched the creation of the film projector and had to go with something else entirely - you know him as Jesus. Blah blah blah, we all know the rest.
ANYWAY, much like the traditions of Christmas and Easter, the O.S.C.A.R.'s has its own tradition that everyone can take part in. It's THE OSCAR PREDICTION BLOG! Perhaps the most hallowed of all religious practices, the O.S.C.A.R. Prediction Blog (OPB) allows the average joe to be Condescending, Self-Important AND Humble all at once! You didn't think it was possible, did you? Well, that's the power of Film.
And because I'm an average joe who LOVES being condescending and self-important, I'm going to be posting my own OPB later on today. You'll want to scrap any plans you have to read ANY other OPB's, because this one is going to the best. It's going to be Gospel.
Reason Number 76 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I preach the truth, and the truth never gets recognized...until it's too late.
P.S. If you reeeeaaally want to read another OPB, you should check out Mikey Filmmaker's. He's supposedly been touched by God.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Birds
So, I'm reading this book called "The World Without Us" by a dude named Alan Weisman. The premise of the book is "what if human beings completely and instantly vanished from the Earth". It's a ton of research into what we have done to our planet, and what will continue to happen without our presence. A lot of the stuff is way over my head, but it makes me feel smart to read it, and I feel really good when I write about it in my blog.
Anyway, I just finished this part about birds - in particular, how many birds die every year from man-made problems. Read 'em and weep (if you like birds): 1 billion (yeah, a billion) break their necks when they fly into windows; 60-80 million wind up in the grill of your SUV; 500 million see the blinking red lights of a radio tower before they hit the actual tower; and 210 million are killed by domesticated cats in rural WISCONSIN alone. Add that up and it's a gigantic pile of dead birds. In fact, you could probably fill up the entire shit-state ofWisconsin
It's our manifest destiny. The birds outnumber us, and we need to dwindle their numbers. We cannot risk the bird population banding together to destroy us. I mean, you don't think that if the birds are the closest relative to DINOSAURS that they can't evolutionize again and become the masterminds of the downfall of humanity? Think about it: birds can FLY. Humans had to build planes before they could fly, and that took FOREVER. If birds can figure out how to combine their ability to fly with mutant talons strong enough to hold nuclear warheads we are FUCKED. Trust me. Hitchcock knew something.
If you are ever in the position to vote for more windows, cats, radio towers or cars, I say "DO IT". Instead of killing two birds with one stone, we'll be killing about a billion with one gigantic boulder.
Reason Number 476 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
Birds will strategically mutate their talons to hold nuclear bombs; the world will subsequently end before I can finish my magnum opus.
Anyway, I just finished this part about birds - in particular, how many birds die every year from man-made problems. Read 'em and weep (if you like birds): 1 billion (yeah, a billion) break their necks when they fly into windows; 60-80 million wind up in the grill of your SUV; 500 million see the blinking red lights of a radio tower before they hit the actual tower; and 210 million are killed by domesticated cats in rural WISCONSIN alone. Add that up and it's a gigantic pile of dead birds. In fact, you could probably fill up the entire shit-state of
It's our manifest destiny. The birds outnumber us, and we need to dwindle their numbers. We cannot risk the bird population banding together to destroy us. I mean, you don't think that if the birds are the closest relative to DINOSAURS that they can't evolutionize again and become the masterminds of the downfall of humanity? Think about it: birds can FLY. Humans had to build planes before they could fly, and that took FOREVER. If birds can figure out how to combine their ability to fly with mutant talons strong enough to hold nuclear warheads we are FUCKED. Trust me. Hitchcock knew something.
If you are ever in the position to vote for more windows, cats, radio towers or cars, I say "DO IT". Instead of killing two birds with one stone, we'll be killing about a billion with one gigantic boulder.
Reason Number 476 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
Birds will strategically mutate their talons to hold nuclear bombs; the world will subsequently end before I can finish my magnum opus.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Making your life easier...
Since I am a super, extremely nice person, I am going to make it SUPER convenient for you wonderful people (all 4 of you) to read my blog. Now, I'm not talking about having it downloaded into your brain, or me printing it out and reading to you - NO, I'm talking about an RSS Reader. (If you are already viewing this blog through an RSS feed, then I apologize: this post is old news to you)
An RSS (Really Simple Syndication) Reader is basically a tool that can compile blogs, news headlines, or any internet page that gets updated (and chooses to have an RSS Feed). Instead of going to the actual page of the blog, the entry is simply fed into your own little RSS "homepage" so you can read all your favorite (ie ME) blogs in one place.
The first step in doing this is to get a Google Account. There are others, but this is the one I use and personally endorse. If Google was a person you would hate him/her because it is everything you want to be, but have no chance in hell of ever being. I would say sign up for G-Mail, if you haven't already. I know you have an e-mail address already, but G-Mail is the future so get with the cool kids.
Okay, so now that you've signed up for a G-Mail account, you have the option of using Google's other wonderful features. I can go more into those later, but all we care about right now is the RSS Reader.
Now, since you're reading this at my site (and using Firefox)(which is WAY better than Internet Explorer) you should see a little picture of an orange square on the RIGHT side of the address bar. This is a button that signifies the page has an
RSS feed. Simply CLICK that Orange RSS Button, and you are brought to a page which allows you to choose between "Add to Google Homepage" or "Add to Google Reader". Add it to Google Reader (which is my preferred usage) and BAM you are SET.
It's THAT simple. So when you decide to check your G-Mail, use the link at the top of the page that says "More" and then click "Reader" which takes you to your RSS page, and find out if I posted a new blog (I probably didn't, but hey, you never know!). You can also just as easily go to www.google.com/reader if you don't feel like checking your G-Mail.
The Google RSS Reader is my gift to you (I'm re-gifting it from Google) on this day, February 20, 2008. You are welcome.
Reason Number 9 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
Google will probably take over the world and banish me to Antarctica. I will end up writing for Penguin Monthly, but the salary will be too low, and I won't be able to afford the proper warm clothing. I will freeze to death.
An RSS (Really Simple Syndication) Reader is basically a tool that can compile blogs, news headlines, or any internet page that gets updated (and chooses to have an RSS Feed). Instead of going to the actual page of the blog, the entry is simply fed into your own little RSS "homepage" so you can read all your favorite (ie ME) blogs in one place.
The first step in doing this is to get a Google Account. There are others, but this is the one I use and personally endorse. If Google was a person you would hate him/her because it is everything you want to be, but have no chance in hell of ever being. I would say sign up for G-Mail, if you haven't already. I know you have an e-mail address already, but G-Mail is the future so get with the cool kids.
Okay, so now that you've signed up for a G-Mail account, you have the option of using Google's other wonderful features. I can go more into those later, but all we care about right now is the RSS Reader.
Now, since you're reading this at my site (and using Firefox)(which is WAY better than Internet Explorer) you should see a little picture of an orange square on the RIGHT side of the address bar. This is a button that signifies the page has an
RSS feed. Simply CLICK that Orange RSS Button, and you are brought to a page which allows you to choose between "Add to Google Homepage" or "Add to Google Reader". Add it to Google Reader (which is my preferred usage) and BAM you are SET.It's THAT simple. So when you decide to check your G-Mail, use the link at the top of the page that says "More" and then click "Reader" which takes you to your RSS page, and find out if I posted a new blog (I probably didn't, but hey, you never know!). You can also just as easily go to www.google.com/reader if you don't feel like checking your G-Mail.
The Google RSS Reader is my gift to you (I'm re-gifting it from Google) on this day, February 20, 2008. You are welcome.
Reason Number 9 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
Google will probably take over the world and banish me to Antarctica. I will end up writing for Penguin Monthly, but the salary will be too low, and I won't be able to afford the proper warm clothing. I will freeze to death.
Revelations!
Okay, so let's not even talk about it. You know what I'm talking about. Let's just move on. (I'm talking about my lack of blog postings, if you haven't guessed) Ahh, damn, I shouldn't have even said anything.
So, you know, the Oscar's are coming up. I wonder what percentage of the population cares and/or talks as much about the Oscar's as the people I know. I know that I live in a bubble. It's a bubble populated by my film-degree roommates, the city of Los Angeles, and my girlfriend that has a library of movies IN HER BRAIN. My life (for better or worse) has a lot of film in it. In my world-view movies are important. Without them I would not be where I am in life. Hell, I have no clue where I am right now anyway, but I know I wouldn't be here. So, I guess I owe a certain amount to (capital- F) Film.
But what is film to the rest of the world? Jumping out of my body I would say that film is rather meaningless, and unnecessary, but that is a HUGE gut reaction. In fact, I take that back. No, film, as a form of entertainment, is HUGELY important. We need escape from our daily lives, because if we sincerely had to focus on the grind, life would seem meaningless. Film gives us meaning. Film is AWESOME.
Wow, I am really doing the right thing with my life. I am bringing the people what they NEED. It's not about fame, or my ego, it's about the PEOPLE! THE PEOPLE! I should run for president. Or I should make a FILM about running for president. THAT'S IT! And then, when the film is done THAT will be my campaign. People will not be able to resist voting for me, because they will have seen the meaning of life, and in seeing it they will KNOW it, and the world will be a BETTER place. And then the PEOPLE will make me their emperor. And I will be a kind emperor, but I will make them bow to me. When I am emperor the world will recognize me, and they will embrace me, because I have brought meaning to their mundane lives. They will have seen my film, and it will have broken language barriers and torn down the walls of prejudice! The world will at once unite in PEACE! Holding hands we shall be one, and the one true God will un-spool from the Heavens, and we shall see that God is Film and Film is God.
This is the nature of all things. I have seen it in a vision.
Reason Number ∞ Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I saw it in a vision. Duh.
So, you know, the Oscar's are coming up. I wonder what percentage of the population cares and/or talks as much about the Oscar's as the people I know. I know that I live in a bubble. It's a bubble populated by my film-degree roommates, the city of Los Angeles, and my girlfriend that has a library of movies IN HER BRAIN. My life (for better or worse) has a lot of film in it. In my world-view movies are important. Without them I would not be where I am in life. Hell, I have no clue where I am right now anyway, but I know I wouldn't be here. So, I guess I owe a certain amount to (capital- F) Film.
But what is film to the rest of the world? Jumping out of my body I would say that film is rather meaningless, and unnecessary, but that is a HUGE gut reaction. In fact, I take that back. No, film, as a form of entertainment, is HUGELY important. We need escape from our daily lives, because if we sincerely had to focus on the grind, life would seem meaningless. Film gives us meaning. Film is AWESOME.
Wow, I am really doing the right thing with my life. I am bringing the people what they NEED. It's not about fame, or my ego, it's about the PEOPLE! THE PEOPLE! I should run for president. Or I should make a FILM about running for president. THAT'S IT! And then, when the film is done THAT will be my campaign. People will not be able to resist voting for me, because they will have seen the meaning of life, and in seeing it they will KNOW it, and the world will be a BETTER place. And then the PEOPLE will make me their emperor. And I will be a kind emperor, but I will make them bow to me. When I am emperor the world will recognize me, and they will embrace me, because I have brought meaning to their mundane lives. They will have seen my film, and it will have broken language barriers and torn down the walls of prejudice! The world will at once unite in PEACE! Holding hands we shall be one, and the one true God will un-spool from the Heavens, and we shall see that God is Film and Film is God.
This is the nature of all things. I have seen it in a vision.
Reason Number ∞ Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I saw it in a vision. Duh.
Friday, February 8, 2008
To Link is to Think!
I didn't want to do a "links" post, because the point of this blog is for me to write original material; to be creative. However, the wheel is not always turning with creative waters, so I have decided to start a weekly links feature that I will call "To Link is to Think". Yes, QUITE lame, I know. Anyhow, this feature will be comprised of sites or blogs that I have visited during the week that sparked my imagination, or made me feel smarter when I was done reading.
For the inaugural "To Link is to Think" I will lead you to to The Edge Annual Question for 2008. What might this be? Well, here's your answer:
"One hundred and sixty-five eminent thinkers, researchers, and communicators, at the annual request of the edge.org website, answered the following question: "What Have You Changed Your Mind About? Why?"
Basically it's short essays from 165 from some of the most respected scholars of today, recounting what they have changed their minds about. Read that again: CHANGED their minds about. It's fascinating and humbling to read what these people, who are regarded as experts in their fields, and looked to specifically for their knowledge and opinions, have been made to rethink. The essays are well-written, and while most are WAY over my head, they do a great job of explaining the more complicated parts for us lay-people. At the very least the essays get your mind going, and hopefully they will inspire you. Maybe they will inspire you to change your mind about something.
Check out Kevin Kelly's blog as well. He's a contributer to the Edge question, and that's how I found the site in the first place.
Check out the blogs and enjoy your Friday! And remember "To Link is to Think!" Or, wait, that was stupid...
Reason Number 5,419 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I spend my free time trying to figure out what really smart people are actually thinking.
For the inaugural "To Link is to Think" I will lead you to to The Edge Annual Question for 2008. What might this be? Well, here's your answer:
"One hundred and sixty-five eminent thinkers, researchers, and communicators, at the annual request of the edge.org website, answered the following question: "What Have You Changed Your Mind About? Why?"
Basically it's short essays from 165 from some of the most respected scholars of today, recounting what they have changed their minds about. Read that again: CHANGED their minds about. It's fascinating and humbling to read what these people, who are regarded as experts in their fields, and looked to specifically for their knowledge and opinions, have been made to rethink. The essays are well-written, and while most are WAY over my head, they do a great job of explaining the more complicated parts for us lay-people. At the very least the essays get your mind going, and hopefully they will inspire you. Maybe they will inspire you to change your mind about something.
Check out Kevin Kelly's blog as well. He's a contributer to the Edge question, and that's how I found the site in the first place.
Check out the blogs and enjoy your Friday! And remember "To Link is to Think!" Or, wait, that was stupid...
Reason Number 5,419 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I spend my free time trying to figure out what really smart people are actually thinking.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Wow, the last time I wrote in this thing was Thursday night. It must look like my dedication to the craft disappeared over the weekend. Rest assured it has not.
Writing is a strange thing. There are many ways to get words on the page. At times it feels almost effortless, and at times the blank page seems to taunt. The blank page tortures me now, but it will not prevail.
Over the weekend a story started to come to me. I was going for a walk after the Super Bowl (I felt I owed it to my heart for clogging its arteries the entire day), and the opening scene of the screenplay flashed in my head. Then - characters came. I could hear their dialog. I could see their flaws. The story moved forward and backward as I spied on these people. And it was fun! I hadn't felt that way since I started writing a previous (but still unfinished) screenplay.
Nothing can beat the rush of a new idea. When you are overcome with it, you just have to put it on the page. So, at the behest of my cholesterol-lined insides, I headed home.
Opening up my laptop I began to type in a fury. My brain was hardwired to my fingertips, and to tell the truth I didn't even know what I wrote until I looked at it the next day. I mean, I had an idea, but I was trying to tell my roommate and I sounded like a complete idiot. I was speaking in tongues. After trying to describe to him the idea, I gave up and went back to writing.
It had been a long day. The Super Bowl is a recipe for exhaustion caused by doing absolutely nothing. It's like when you sleep in until 2 in the afternoon, and you think you should be wide awake, but you want to take a nap at 7 - only, with the Super Bowl you add about 3,000 calories and the effects of beer (just a few!). I think you know where this is going. After my flurry of writing madness stopped, I was too exhausted to review it and try to write more. My brain stopped functioning completely.
And now, here I am, two days later - staring at a blank screen. That is the game of writing. But if the page thinks it has beaten me, it must think again. It may think it knows all my moves, but that's because I didn't have any before. Now I'm armed with a new motivation. Writing isn't about finishing papers for class anymore, or coming up with a short scene I don't care about. Writing is LIFE now. Right? It's work and play and the future all rolled in to one. It's what I want to do. It's what I HAVE to do.
Right after I stare at this blank screen for a while...
Reason Number 427 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
When I type with "fury" it only ends up being like 5 pages.
Writing is a strange thing. There are many ways to get words on the page. At times it feels almost effortless, and at times the blank page seems to taunt. The blank page tortures me now, but it will not prevail.
Over the weekend a story started to come to me. I was going for a walk after the Super Bowl (I felt I owed it to my heart for clogging its arteries the entire day), and the opening scene of the screenplay flashed in my head. Then - characters came. I could hear their dialog. I could see their flaws. The story moved forward and backward as I spied on these people. And it was fun! I hadn't felt that way since I started writing a previous (but still unfinished) screenplay.
Nothing can beat the rush of a new idea. When you are overcome with it, you just have to put it on the page. So, at the behest of my cholesterol-lined insides, I headed home.
Opening up my laptop I began to type in a fury. My brain was hardwired to my fingertips, and to tell the truth I didn't even know what I wrote until I looked at it the next day. I mean, I had an idea, but I was trying to tell my roommate and I sounded like a complete idiot. I was speaking in tongues. After trying to describe to him the idea, I gave up and went back to writing.
It had been a long day. The Super Bowl is a recipe for exhaustion caused by doing absolutely nothing. It's like when you sleep in until 2 in the afternoon, and you think you should be wide awake, but you want to take a nap at 7 - only, with the Super Bowl you add about 3,000 calories and the effects of beer (just a few!). I think you know where this is going. After my flurry of writing madness stopped, I was too exhausted to review it and try to write more. My brain stopped functioning completely.
And now, here I am, two days later - staring at a blank screen. That is the game of writing. But if the page thinks it has beaten me, it must think again. It may think it knows all my moves, but that's because I didn't have any before. Now I'm armed with a new motivation. Writing isn't about finishing papers for class anymore, or coming up with a short scene I don't care about. Writing is LIFE now. Right? It's work and play and the future all rolled in to one. It's what I want to do. It's what I HAVE to do.
Right after I stare at this blank screen for a while...
Reason Number 427 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
When I type with "fury" it only ends up being like 5 pages.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
I Feel Sorry for the Guy
The Acme Corporation
Insurance Department
525 Washington Ave.
New York, NY 10012
Wile E. Coyote
A cave
Texas, U.S.A.
Dear Mr. Coyote-
Thank you for your interest in the Acme Co. Life Insurance policy. However, at this time, we regret to inform you that we have found you ineligible for coverage. The reasons are as follows:
1) You are a coyote. We are not sure exactly how you filled out the forms, but wow, that's pretty cool. Despite this feat, we are a "human" insurance company. We hear Geico is doing a thing for pets now. Maybe you should hit them up.
2) You listed your occupation as "Professional Chaser". What does this even mean? What are you chasing? We looked that up in about every book we have. If you could be a little more specific...naw, don't even. It's really not worth your time. Or ours.
3) Your credit records show the following purchases in the past month: dynamite, jet-powered roller skates, a rocket sled, dynamite, and a dehydrated boulder (what?). Are these for your job as a "professional chaser"? Regardless, you have purchased dynamite TWICE in the past month. That is just dangerous.
4) Your medical records show you have broken every bone in your body multiple times. Examples of the causes of these injuries were: fell off cliff; run over by a truck; crushed by dehydrated boulder when it became hydrated and grew so big that it crushed you; ran into a rock wall that was painted to look like a cave; hop-scotch(?); and lost control on jet-powered roller skates.
5) You are a pack-a-day smoker and have been for the past 50 years.
Mr. Coyote, we have insured mountain climbers, sky divers, spelunkers, and a lion tamer. Your application, be it real or fraud, is the most disturbing we have ever read. What drives you to put yourself in this kind of danger? Is it the rush? Is it your "job"? While we cannot risk covering you with our life insurance, we can recommend a visit to a psychologist.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
The Acme Corporation
Insurance Department
Reason Number 629 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My other job is "professional chaser".
Insurance Department
525 Washington Ave.
New York, NY 10012
Wile E. Coyote
A cave
Texas, U.S.A.
Dear Mr. Coyote-
Thank you for your interest in the Acme Co. Life Insurance policy. However, at this time, we regret to inform you that we have found you ineligible for coverage. The reasons are as follows:
1) You are a coyote. We are not sure exactly how you filled out the forms, but wow, that's pretty cool. Despite this feat, we are a "human" insurance company. We hear Geico is doing a thing for pets now. Maybe you should hit them up.
2) You listed your occupation as "Professional Chaser". What does this even mean? What are you chasing? We looked that up in about every book we have. If you could be a little more specific...naw, don't even. It's really not worth your time. Or ours.
3) Your credit records show the following purchases in the past month: dynamite, jet-powered roller skates, a rocket sled, dynamite, and a dehydrated boulder (what?). Are these for your job as a "professional chaser"? Regardless, you have purchased dynamite TWICE in the past month. That is just dangerous.
4) Your medical records show you have broken every bone in your body multiple times. Examples of the causes of these injuries were: fell off cliff; run over by a truck; crushed by dehydrated boulder when it became hydrated and grew so big that it crushed you; ran into a rock wall that was painted to look like a cave; hop-scotch(?); and lost control on jet-powered roller skates.
5) You are a pack-a-day smoker and have been for the past 50 years.
Mr. Coyote, we have insured mountain climbers, sky divers, spelunkers, and a lion tamer. Your application, be it real or fraud, is the most disturbing we have ever read. What drives you to put yourself in this kind of danger? Is it the rush? Is it your "job"? While we cannot risk covering you with our life insurance, we can recommend a visit to a psychologist.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
The Acme Corporation
Insurance Department
Reason Number 629 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My other job is "professional chaser".
Podcast with Mikey Filmmaker
I recently did a podcast with my friend Mikey Filmmaker over at his blog Spaghetti Sauce and Sweet Peas. He's a huge Academy Awards geek, so we mainly talk about the major races while laughing occasionally. Make sure to check out his blog for all the latest Award Season updates and Boston Sports.
You can expect a new entry from me today. I'm holding myself to that.
Reason Number 2 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I record podcasts instead of writing.
You can expect a new entry from me today. I'm holding myself to that.
Reason Number 2 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I record podcasts instead of writing.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Tom Cruise is in my bathroom
INT. KYLE'S BATHROOM - NIGHT
A very handsome 22 year old (KYLE) is sitting on his toilet, pants around his ankles, reading "Newsweek". As he flips through the pages he comes across a picture of TOM CRUISE. Cruise is psychotically smiling, like he always does.
Without warning, Tom jumps out of the picture and stands in front of Kyle. Even while Kyle is sitting, they are roughly eye-to-eye, because Tom Cruise is just that short.
Kyle is shocked, yet silent.
Tom Cruise grabs the Newsweek and throws it in the trash.
A very handsome 22 year old (KYLE) is sitting on his toilet, pants around his ankles, reading "Newsweek". As he flips through the pages he comes across a picture of TOM CRUISE. Cruise is psychotically smiling, like he always does.
Without warning, Tom jumps out of the picture and stands in front of Kyle. Even while Kyle is sitting, they are roughly eye-to-eye, because Tom Cruise is just that short.
Kyle is shocked, yet silent.
Tom Cruise grabs the Newsweek and throws it in the trash.
TOM
Don't read that, Kyle!
Don't read that, Kyle!
Tom Cruise snaps his fingers and a copy of the book "Dianetics" appears in his hands. He puts it in Kyle's trembling hands.
TOM
Read this. It's the best
book ever written. Hands down.
My slaves read it to me
every night before bed.
Read this. It's the best
book ever written. Hands down.
My slaves read it to me
every night before bed.
Kyle hasn't moved an inch.
TOM
You don't believe me? Just
ask Beck, and Jason Lee.
They are awesome, right?
You don't believe me? Just
ask Beck, and Jason Lee.
They are awesome, right?
Kyle nods. They are awesome. Why the hell are they Scientologists?
TOM
Hold on a second.
Hold on a second.
Tom Cruise disappears, and then reappears with KATIE HOLMES. She is expressionless, and blank-stared. She doesn't even blink.
TOM
This is my wife, Katie.
Isn't she awesome? We, like,
love all the same stuff. Like
SCUBA Diving, and making babies.
(pause)
Okay, just SCUBA Diving. And
she's not a robot.
This is my wife, Katie.
Isn't she awesome? We, like,
love all the same stuff. Like
SCUBA Diving, and making babies.
(pause)
Okay, just SCUBA Diving. And
she's not a robot.
Katie smiles her perfect smile, and she still hasn't blinked.
TOM
Kyle, right now you're PC.
That means Pre-Clear. It's
a term we Scientologists
use. It SUCKS. You gotta
get audited. Not like the IRS,
silly! No, what I mean is
you have to disclose some
specific traumatic incidents
or ethical transgressions, so
that you can start achieving all
your goals! I know what you're
thinking, "That sounds AMAZING!"
and you're right. It IS.
We're all thetans, Kyle. Its
time to unlock your potential.
Whaddaya say, buddy?
Breathing deeply, Kyle composes himself.
That means Pre-Clear. It's
a term we Scientologists
use. It SUCKS. You gotta
get audited. Not like the IRS,
silly! No, what I mean is
you have to disclose some
specific traumatic incidents
or ethical transgressions, so
that you can start achieving all
your goals! I know what you're
thinking, "That sounds AMAZING!"
and you're right. It IS.
We're all thetans, Kyle. Its
time to unlock your potential.
Whaddaya say, buddy?
Breathing deeply, Kyle composes himself.
KYLE
Look, Tom Cruise. You can't
just pop out of a magazine
into my bathroom and expect me
to become a Scientologist.
I need some cold hard facts.
TOM
How do you think I popped
out of that magazine, Kyle?
Is that enough FACT for you?
Magic isn't the only thing
you'll get.
KYLE
Wow. Magic? That's pretty
hard to say "no" to. Sign
me up, Mr. Cruise.
TOM
I knew you'd see the light.
Look, Tom Cruise. You can't
just pop out of a magazine
into my bathroom and expect me
to become a Scientologist.
I need some cold hard facts.
TOM
How do you think I popped
out of that magazine, Kyle?
Is that enough FACT for you?
Magic isn't the only thing
you'll get.
KYLE
Wow. Magic? That's pretty
hard to say "no" to. Sign
me up, Mr. Cruise.
TOM
I knew you'd see the light.
Kyle joins hands with Tom and Katie and they begin to float through the ceiling.
FADE OUT...
Reason Number 903 Why I Will Never Become A Famous Writer:
Tom Cruise told me I could have magical powers instead.
Tom Cruise told me I could have magical powers instead.
Friday, January 25, 2008
A Haiku for Today
Haiku 1/25/08:
Youth is a cliff's edge
Standing on its precipice
You can only jump
Reason Number 4,879 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I write haikus instead of novels.
Youth is a cliff's edge
Standing on its precipice
You can only jump
Reason Number 4,879 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I write haikus instead of novels.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
What's in a Name?
A co-worker of mine just dropped by my desk to show me a letter he was mailing out. The addressee? Dick Bigger. Now, I'm told this man is upwards of 65 years-old, and you know, he probably went by Richard as a child, but COME ON! That is gutsy. The man has to know this, unless he lives on a different planet.
Well, names like that get you thinking about all the "interesting" names you've encountered throughout your life. The one that sticks out the most for me is a guy from high school named "Chevy Boob". Scout's honor. My co-worker knew a guy in college named "Nimrod Whistlehunt", and his dad used to tell him stories about a girl named "Velvet Bush". Working at a pediatrician's office in high school I came across the likes of "Treasure" and "Mara Jade" (the latter is pulled from a Star Wars novel). And we've all comes across the names "Apple" or "Kal-El" in the celebrity news section - plus, the entire Phoenix family (actually, those ones are more tasteful, in my opinion).
I wonder what is going on in people's heads when they choose these crazy names for their kids. Don't they have enough common sense to realize that "Velvet" shouldn't go with "Bush"? I guess we can't really do anything about unfortunate last names (Boob), but we can make an effort to weed out "Chevy" and "Mara Jade".
Actually, who cares? Chad Smithsonian is going to find a way to make fun of your kid without your help. Name them whatever you want.
Reason Number 45 That I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My characters never have unique names.
Well, names like that get you thinking about all the "interesting" names you've encountered throughout your life. The one that sticks out the most for me is a guy from high school named "Chevy Boob". Scout's honor. My co-worker knew a guy in college named "Nimrod Whistlehunt", and his dad used to tell him stories about a girl named "Velvet Bush". Working at a pediatrician's office in high school I came across the likes of "Treasure" and "Mara Jade" (the latter is pulled from a Star Wars novel). And we've all comes across the names "Apple" or "Kal-El" in the celebrity news section - plus, the entire Phoenix family (actually, those ones are more tasteful, in my opinion).
I wonder what is going on in people's heads when they choose these crazy names for their kids. Don't they have enough common sense to realize that "Velvet" shouldn't go with "Bush"? I guess we can't really do anything about unfortunate last names (Boob), but we can make an effort to weed out "Chevy" and "Mara Jade".
Actually, who cares? Chad Smithsonian is going to find a way to make fun of your kid without your help. Name them whatever you want.
Reason Number 45 That I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My characters never have unique names.
Talkin' 'bout the i-Generation
I pride myself (probably too much) on being apart of the internet generation. I remember when, in 4th grade, our computer teacher showed us the White House website. The next year I was one of a few people with e-mail; I'm not really sure who I e-mailed, since I was in 5th grade and the only other people I knew with e-mail were in the same room. This was like 1995 or '96. The internet boomed, and here we are. It's almost ancient history.
I am wondering - who are the future generations?
The Instant Generation: The first generation to use teleportation devices.
The Space Generation: The first generation to live solely on a space station, or on another planet.
The Immortal Generation: The first generation to live forever.
The Peace Generation: The first generation of children to see everyone else as they see themselves - human.
These are just a few, not-thought-out ideas. Do you have any?
Reason Number 1,867 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I'm not part of the "Famous Writer" generation.
I am wondering - who are the future generations?
The Instant Generation: The first generation to use teleportation devices.
The Space Generation: The first generation to live solely on a space station, or on another planet.
The Immortal Generation: The first generation to live forever.
The Peace Generation: The first generation of children to see everyone else as they see themselves - human.
These are just a few, not-thought-out ideas. Do you have any?
Reason Number 1,867 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I'm not part of the "Famous Writer" generation.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
An Egg Dressed in Egg-Sized Hipster Clothes
I watched Juno last night, and I have to say that I liked it. I really didn't want to like it. I tried quite hard not to like it. There are some obvious flaws, and annoying things that keep it from being a great film, but it is good nonetheless.
The story is what makes it worth watching. That is true with most good movies. If you take away all the flash and grandeur, there is nothing but the story - and that is what keeps us watching. With Juno the "flash and grandeur" is replaced by "quirk and indie-rock self-awareness". While that combination may be really annoying to some people, if you can get past it there is a story that shines through. It's like if you were to dress up a gestating chicken's egg in a really unnecessary American Apparel outfit made for eggs - if you get rid of the outfit, there is an undeniable force working underneath making it more than just a too-hip egg. It made sense when I read it the first time...
While Juno's strength comes from its story, the muscles are really worked out by Ellen Page (as the title character). In my opinion, the writing actually hindered her in some instances, which makes her performance even more special.
During the first third of the film her dialog was just flat out annoying. It was so not how ANYONE talks. (Sidenote: I wish Rainn Wilson would have taken himself out of the film. He was possibly the most annoying, cashing-in-on-"clever"-dialog character I have ever seen. It didn't even look like he cared that he sucked). Juno and her friend were just too unrealistic to be in the same scenes. To put it plainly, it sounded like their lines had been worked and re-worked, and thought about for too long. However, miraculously, as the story picked up it was easier to get past the "quirky" writing, and focus on the story of pregnant 16 year-old preparing to give her child up for adoption. She picks up a lot about life and love along the way, and the film navigates its way through a few turns that end up feeling completely complete.
It may not have a chance at winning the Best Picture Oscar, but it was an interesting story that came out the right way. Sadly, that's hard to find in most of what Hollywood puts out these days.
The story is what makes it worth watching. That is true with most good movies. If you take away all the flash and grandeur, there is nothing but the story - and that is what keeps us watching. With Juno the "flash and grandeur" is replaced by "quirk and indie-rock self-awareness". While that combination may be really annoying to some people, if you can get past it there is a story that shines through. It's like if you were to dress up a gestating chicken's egg in a really unnecessary American Apparel outfit made for eggs - if you get rid of the outfit, there is an undeniable force working underneath making it more than just a too-hip egg. It made sense when I read it the first time...
While Juno's strength comes from its story, the muscles are really worked out by Ellen Page (as the title character). In my opinion, the writing actually hindered her in some instances, which makes her performance even more special.
During the first third of the film her dialog was just flat out annoying. It was so not how ANYONE talks. (Sidenote: I wish Rainn Wilson would have taken himself out of the film. He was possibly the most annoying, cashing-in-on-"clever"-dialog character I have ever seen. It didn't even look like he cared that he sucked). Juno and her friend were just too unrealistic to be in the same scenes. To put it plainly, it sounded like their lines had been worked and re-worked, and thought about for too long. However, miraculously, as the story picked up it was easier to get past the "quirky" writing, and focus on the story of pregnant 16 year-old preparing to give her child up for adoption. She picks up a lot about life and love along the way, and the film navigates its way through a few turns that end up feeling completely complete.
It may not have a chance at winning the Best Picture Oscar, but it was an interesting story that came out the right way. Sadly, that's hard to find in most of what Hollywood puts out these days.
I'm 22 going on 90.
What will I be like when I get old?
Will I do the same things I do now? I don't want to be the old man who doesn't know how to program his VCR. I don't want to lay on my couch all day and read the paper.
I want to be the 85 year-old grandfather who watches Jackass 2 and laughs the whole way through. I want to be interested in what my grandchildren are doing. I want to see new art. I want to know what the kids are up to. I want to hear new music and like it.
I don't want to be confined to the triumvirate of: my house, the grocery store, and the doctor's office. I don't want to tell people "that's what we did in the old days, and that's how I'm gonna do it now". I don't want to vote for things to stay the same.
I want to see change as a good thing. I want to be active. I want to find out that I don't know everything. I want to fight for future generations. I want to seek the truth.
I don't want to be alone.
I want to still be in love.
Reason Number 14 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I deleted what I had I previously written here.
Will I do the same things I do now? I don't want to be the old man who doesn't know how to program his VCR. I don't want to lay on my couch all day and read the paper.
I want to be the 85 year-old grandfather who watches Jackass 2 and laughs the whole way through. I want to be interested in what my grandchildren are doing. I want to see new art. I want to know what the kids are up to. I want to hear new music and like it.
I don't want to be confined to the triumvirate of: my house, the grocery store, and the doctor's office. I don't want to tell people "that's what we did in the old days, and that's how I'm gonna do it now". I don't want to vote for things to stay the same.
I want to see change as a good thing. I want to be active. I want to find out that I don't know everything. I want to fight for future generations. I want to seek the truth.
I don't want to be alone.
I want to still be in love.
Reason Number 14 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I deleted what I had I previously written here.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer
This blog is most likely written in vain. No one will read it. No one will post comments. No one will care.
That doesn't deter me. Not one bit.
In fact, it's probably better that way. I'll just keep writing. And I won't get famous. But I'll still think that it's a possibility.
I will write for two reasons: 1) To write and 2) to fool myself into thinking that I might get famous (knowing all the while that I won't).
This is my first entry in an ongoing effort in futility.
Thank you for reading. You have proven me wrong already.
Reason Number 1 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I begin sentences with "And" and "But". And I don't care. But other people probably do.
That doesn't deter me. Not one bit.
In fact, it's probably better that way. I'll just keep writing. And I won't get famous. But I'll still think that it's a possibility.
I will write for two reasons: 1) To write and 2) to fool myself into thinking that I might get famous (knowing all the while that I won't).
This is my first entry in an ongoing effort in futility.
Thank you for reading. You have proven me wrong already.
Reason Number 1 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I begin sentences with "And" and "But". And I don't care. But other people probably do.
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