I Feel Sorry for the Guy

The Acme Corporation
Insurance Department
525 Washington Ave.
New York, NY 10012

Wile E. Coyote
A cave
Texas, U.S.A.

Dear Mr. Coyote-

Thank you for your interest in the Acme Co. Life Insurance policy. However, at this time, we regret to inform you that we have found you ineligible for coverage. The reasons are as follows:

1) You are a coyote. We are not sure exactly how you filled out the forms, but wow, that's pretty cool. Despite this feat, we are a "human" insurance company. We hear Geico is doing a thing for pets now. Maybe you should hit them up.

2) You listed your occupation as "Professional Chaser". What does this even mean? What are you chasing? We looked that up in about every book we have. If you could be a little more specific...naw, don't even. It's really not worth your time. Or ours.

3) Your credit records show the following purchases in the past month: dynamite, jet-powered roller skates, a rocket sled, dynamite, and a dehydrated boulder (what?). Are these for your job as a "professional chaser"? Regardless, you have purchased dynamite TWICE in the past month. That is just dangerous.

4) Your medical records show you have broken every bone in your body multiple times. Examples of the causes of these injuries were: fell off cliff; run over by a truck; crushed by dehydrated boulder when it became hydrated and grew so big that it crushed you; ran into a rock wall that was painted to look like a cave; hop-scotch(?); and lost control on jet-powered roller skates.

5) You are a pack-a-day smoker and have been for the past 50 years.

Mr. Coyote, we have insured mountain climbers, sky divers, spelunkers, and a lion tamer. Your application, be it real or fraud, is the most disturbing we have ever read. What drives you to put yourself in this kind of danger? Is it the rush? Is it your "job"? While we cannot risk covering you with our life insurance, we can recommend a visit to a psychologist.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

The Acme Corporation
Insurance Department


Reason Number 629 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My other job is "professional chaser".

Podcast with Mikey Filmmaker

I recently did a podcast with my friend Mikey Filmmaker over at his blog Spaghetti Sauce and Sweet Peas. He's a huge Academy Awards geek, so we mainly talk about the major races while laughing occasionally. Make sure to check out his blog for all the latest Award Season updates and Boston Sports.

You can expect a new entry from me today. I'm holding myself to that.

Reason Number 2 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I record podcasts instead of writing.

Tom Cruise is in my bathroom

INT. KYLE'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

A very handsome 22 year old (KYLE) is sitting on his toilet, pants around his ankles, reading "Newsweek". As he flips through the pages he comes across a picture of TOM CRUISE. Cruise is psychotically smiling, like he always does.

Without warning, Tom jumps out of the picture and stands in front of Kyle. Even while Kyle is sitting, they are roughly eye-to-eye, because Tom Cruise is just that short.

Kyle is shocked, yet silent.

Tom Cruise grabs the Newsweek and throws it in the trash.

TOM
Don't read that, Kyle!

Tom Cruise snaps his fingers and a copy of the book "Dianetics" appears in his hands. He puts it in Kyle's trembling hands.

TOM
Read this. It's the best
book ever written. Hands down.
My slaves read it to me
every night before bed.

Kyle hasn't moved an inch.

TOM
You don't believe me? Just
ask Beck, and Jason Lee.
They are awesome, right?

Kyle nods. They are awesome. Why the hell are they Scientologists?

TOM
Hold on a second.

Tom Cruise disappears, and then reappears with KATIE HOLMES. She is expressionless, and blank-stared. She doesn't even blink.

TOM
This is my wife, Katie.
Isn't she awesome? We, like,
love all the same stuff. Like
SCUBA Diving, and making babies.
(pause)
Okay, just SCUBA Diving. And
she's not a robot.

Katie smiles her perfect smile, and she still hasn't blinked.

TOM

Kyle, right now you're PC.
That means Pre-Clear. It's
a term we Scientologists
use. It SUCKS. You gotta
get audited. Not like the IRS,
silly! No, what I mean is
you have to disclose some
specific traumatic incidents
or ethical transgressions, so
that you can start achieving all
your goals! I know what you're
thinking, "That sounds AMAZING!"
and you're right. It IS.
We're all thetans, Kyle. Its
time to unlock your potential.
Whaddaya say, buddy?

Breathing deeply, Kyle composes himself.

KYLE
Look, Tom Cruise. You can't
just pop out of a magazine
into my bathroom and expect me
to become a Scientologist.
I need some cold hard facts.

TOM
How do you think I popped
out of that magazine, Kyle?
Is that enough FACT for you?
Magic isn't the only thing
you'll get.

KYLE
Wow. Magic? That's pretty
hard to say "no" to. Sign
me up, Mr. Cruise.

TOM
I knew you'd see the light.

Kyle joins hands with Tom and Katie and they begin to float through the ceiling.

FADE OUT...

Reason Number 903 Why I Will Never Become A Famous Writer:
Tom Cruise told me I could have magical powers instead.

A Haiku for Today

Haiku 1/25/08:

Youth is a cliff's edge
Standing on its precipice
You can only jump

Reason Number 4,879 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I write haikus instead of novels.

What's in a Name?

A co-worker of mine just dropped by my desk to show me a letter he was mailing out. The addressee? Dick Bigger. Now, I'm told this man is upwards of 65 years-old, and you know, he probably went by Richard as a child, but COME ON! That is gutsy. The man has to know this, unless he lives on a different planet.

Well, names like that get you thinking about all the "interesting" names you've encountered throughout your life. The one that sticks out the most for me is a guy from high school named "Chevy Boob". Scout's honor. My co-worker knew a guy in college named "Nimrod Whistlehunt", and his dad used to tell him stories about a girl named "Velvet Bush". Working at a pediatrician's office in high school I came across the likes of "Treasure" and "Mara Jade" (the latter is pulled from a Star Wars novel). And we've all comes across the names "Apple" or "Kal-El" in the celebrity news section - plus, the entire Phoenix family (actually, those ones are more tasteful, in my opinion).

I wonder what is going on in people's heads when they choose these crazy names for their kids. Don't they have enough common sense to realize that "Velvet" shouldn't go with "Bush"? I guess we can't really do anything about unfortunate last names (Boob), but we can make an effort to weed out "Chevy" and "Mara Jade".

Actually, who cares? Chad Smithsonian is going to find a way to make fun of your kid without your help. Name them whatever you want.

Reason Number 45 That I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My characters never have unique names.

Talkin' 'bout the i-Generation

I pride myself (probably too much) on being apart of the internet generation. I remember when, in 4th grade, our computer teacher showed us the White House website. The next year I was one of a few people with e-mail; I'm not really sure who I e-mailed, since I was in 5th grade and the only other people I knew with e-mail were in the same room. This was like 1995 or '96. The internet boomed, and here we are. It's almost ancient history.

I am wondering - who are the future generations?

The Instant Generation: The first generation to use teleportation devices.

The Space Generation: The first generation to live solely on a space station, or on another planet.

The Immortal Generation: The first generation to live forever.

The Peace Generation: The first generation of children to see everyone else as they see themselves - human.

These are just a few, not-thought-out ideas. Do you have any?

Reason Number 1,867 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I'm not part of the "Famous Writer" generation.

An Egg Dressed in Egg-Sized Hipster Clothes

I watched Juno last night, and I have to say that I liked it. I really didn't want to like it. I tried quite hard not to like it. There are some obvious flaws, and annoying things that keep it from being a great film, but it is good nonetheless.

The story is what makes it worth watching. That is true with most good movies. If you take away all the flash and grandeur, there is nothing but the story - and that is what keeps us watching. With Juno the "flash and grandeur" is replaced by "quirk and indie-rock self-awareness". While that combination may be really annoying to some people, if you can get past it there is a story that shines through. It's like if you were to dress up a gestating chicken's egg in a really unnecessary American Apparel outfit made for eggs - if you get rid of the outfit, there is an undeniable force working underneath making it more than just a too-hip egg. It made sense when I read it the first time...

While Juno's strength comes from its story, the muscles are really worked out by Ellen Page (as the title character). In my opinion, the writing actually hindered her in some instances, which makes her performance even more special.

During the first third of the film her dialog was just flat out annoying. It was so not how ANYONE talks. (Sidenote: I wish Rainn Wilson would have taken himself out of the film. He was possibly the most annoying, cashing-in-on-"clever"-dialog character I have ever seen. It didn't even look like he cared that he sucked). Juno and her friend were just too unrealistic to be in the same scenes. To put it plainly, it sounded like their lines had been worked and re-worked, and thought about for too long. However, miraculously, as the story picked up it was easier to get past the "quirky" writing, and focus on the story of pregnant 16 year-old preparing to give her child up for adoption. She picks up a lot about life and love along the way, and the film navigates its way through a few turns that end up feeling completely complete.

It may not have a chance at winning the Best Picture Oscar, but it was an interesting story that came out the right way. Sadly, that's hard to find in most of what Hollywood puts out these days.

I'm 22 going on 90.

What will I be like when I get old?

Will I do the same things I do now? I don't want to be the old man who doesn't know how to program his VCR. I don't want to lay on my couch all day and read the paper.

I want to be the 85 year-old grandfather who watches Jackass 2 and laughs the whole way through. I want to be interested in what my grandchildren are doing. I want to see new art. I want to know what the kids are up to. I want to hear new music and like it.

I don't want to be confined to the triumvirate of: my house, the grocery store, and the doctor's office. I don't want to tell people "that's what we did in the old days, and that's how I'm gonna do it now". I don't want to vote for things to stay the same.

I want to see change as a good thing. I want to be active. I want to find out that I don't know everything. I want to fight for future generations. I want to seek the truth.

I don't want to be alone.

I want to still be in love.

Reason Number 14 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I deleted what I had I previously written here.

Reason Number 504 That I Will Never Be A Famous Writer

I started this blog about 5 years too late.

Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer

This blog is most likely written in vain. No one will read it. No one will post comments. No one will care.

That doesn't deter me. Not one bit.

In fact, it's probably better that way. I'll just keep writing. And I won't get famous. But I'll still think that it's a possibility.

I will write for two reasons: 1) To write and 2) to fool myself into thinking that I might get famous (knowing all the while that I won't).

This is my first entry in an ongoing effort in futility.

Thank you for reading. You have proven me wrong already.

Reason Number 1 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
I begin sentences with "And" and "But". And I don't care. But other people probably do.