Tom Cruise is in my bathroom

INT. KYLE'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

A very handsome 22 year old (KYLE) is sitting on his toilet, pants around his ankles, reading "Newsweek". As he flips through the pages he comes across a picture of TOM CRUISE. Cruise is psychotically smiling, like he always does.

Without warning, Tom jumps out of the picture and stands in front of Kyle. Even while Kyle is sitting, they are roughly eye-to-eye, because Tom Cruise is just that short.

Kyle is shocked, yet silent.

Tom Cruise grabs the Newsweek and throws it in the trash.

TOM
Don't read that, Kyle!

Tom Cruise snaps his fingers and a copy of the book "Dianetics" appears in his hands. He puts it in Kyle's trembling hands.

TOM
Read this. It's the best
book ever written. Hands down.
My slaves read it to me
every night before bed.

Kyle hasn't moved an inch.

TOM
You don't believe me? Just
ask Beck, and Jason Lee.
They are awesome, right?

Kyle nods. They are awesome. Why the hell are they Scientologists?

TOM
Hold on a second.

Tom Cruise disappears, and then reappears with KATIE HOLMES. She is expressionless, and blank-stared. She doesn't even blink.

TOM
This is my wife, Katie.
Isn't she awesome? We, like,
love all the same stuff. Like
SCUBA Diving, and making babies.
(pause)
Okay, just SCUBA Diving. And
she's not a robot.

Katie smiles her perfect smile, and she still hasn't blinked.

TOM

Kyle, right now you're PC.
That means Pre-Clear. It's
a term we Scientologists
use. It SUCKS. You gotta
get audited. Not like the IRS,
silly! No, what I mean is
you have to disclose some
specific traumatic incidents
or ethical transgressions, so
that you can start achieving all
your goals! I know what you're
thinking, "That sounds AMAZING!"
and you're right. It IS.
We're all thetans, Kyle. Its
time to unlock your potential.
Whaddaya say, buddy?

Breathing deeply, Kyle composes himself.

KYLE
Look, Tom Cruise. You can't
just pop out of a magazine
into my bathroom and expect me
to become a Scientologist.
I need some cold hard facts.

TOM
How do you think I popped
out of that magazine, Kyle?
Is that enough FACT for you?
Magic isn't the only thing
you'll get.

KYLE
Wow. Magic? That's pretty
hard to say "no" to. Sign
me up, Mr. Cruise.

TOM
I knew you'd see the light.

Kyle joins hands with Tom and Katie and they begin to float through the ceiling.

FADE OUT...

Reason Number 903 Why I Will Never Become A Famous Writer:
Tom Cruise told me I could have magical powers instead.