I Feel Sorry for the Guy

The Acme Corporation
Insurance Department
525 Washington Ave.
New York, NY 10012

Wile E. Coyote
A cave
Texas, U.S.A.

Dear Mr. Coyote-

Thank you for your interest in the Acme Co. Life Insurance policy. However, at this time, we regret to inform you that we have found you ineligible for coverage. The reasons are as follows:

1) You are a coyote. We are not sure exactly how you filled out the forms, but wow, that's pretty cool. Despite this feat, we are a "human" insurance company. We hear Geico is doing a thing for pets now. Maybe you should hit them up.

2) You listed your occupation as "Professional Chaser". What does this even mean? What are you chasing? We looked that up in about every book we have. If you could be a little more specific...naw, don't even. It's really not worth your time. Or ours.

3) Your credit records show the following purchases in the past month: dynamite, jet-powered roller skates, a rocket sled, dynamite, and a dehydrated boulder (what?). Are these for your job as a "professional chaser"? Regardless, you have purchased dynamite TWICE in the past month. That is just dangerous.

4) Your medical records show you have broken every bone in your body multiple times. Examples of the causes of these injuries were: fell off cliff; run over by a truck; crushed by dehydrated boulder when it became hydrated and grew so big that it crushed you; ran into a rock wall that was painted to look like a cave; hop-scotch(?); and lost control on jet-powered roller skates.

5) You are a pack-a-day smoker and have been for the past 50 years.

Mr. Coyote, we have insured mountain climbers, sky divers, spelunkers, and a lion tamer. Your application, be it real or fraud, is the most disturbing we have ever read. What drives you to put yourself in this kind of danger? Is it the rush? Is it your "job"? While we cannot risk covering you with our life insurance, we can recommend a visit to a psychologist.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

The Acme Corporation
Insurance Department


Reason Number 629 Why I Will Never Be A Famous Writer:
My other job is "professional chaser".